Marinating for far too Long

Brain dump: Feb. 10, 2019

Today I feel…

   today i feel…….

*tap*tap*tap*

   Simply put, today i can’t seem to put my finger on how i feel. There are lots of things swimming around in my heart & mind, but i can’t identify what the overriding emotion is, that my heart has been marinating in~ for far. too. long.

Spiritually, it feels like I've been wandering aimlessly in the desert. I feel like a church-orphan. No spiritual father, no mentoring mother... no place of worship to call home. I've often thought about what is it that makes me feel abandoned. Lost. Without direction with it comes to having a place to "fellowship" with the family of God/"going to church."

Even those places that we've tried to stake our tents upon didn't provide the "connections" like we once felt... that I now crave. My heart desires a loving shepherd who knows me. My heart is yearning for a place that feels like home when my heart is joyful, or broken. Or grieving. Where would I go if my heart was suddenly torn by grief? I crave true communion with the Holy Spirit who knows my anxious thoughts. Lord, will you help me rediscover communion with you, in a community of believers. Where I feel loved, and seen... and welcomed into a family again.

Compounding this frustration I feel is that it feels like i'm estranged from my family. I often question, why don't I matter to them? Was it ever really "real", or did they just play their respective parts until dad was gone and then walk away? Did my dad's unrealistic & unmet expectations play the same silent maneuvering with them, like they did me? Once he was gone, did they all just breathe a sigh of relief like I did, and return to living their own lives again like I did?

I know that truth... they didn't move, i did.

I wasn't ever close enough to feel like I was an important part of their lives before... so why does it feel like I've been so alienated and turned-away from? Maybe it's because now the reality of it all has time to set in and marinate in my heart... for far. too. long. Family isn't a noun, it's a verb. That's why it's easy to decipher the truth from a lie.

I feel sad because I never had, and still don't have the mother that I need. One who just loves me... regardless of whether I measure up or call often enough. My heart often wonders,

What about me? Why wouldn't she treasure me in the way that a daughter needs her mother, simply because I'm her only biological child? Why would she silently, yet constantly cause me to feel that I don't measure up... Why would she consciously choose to be so untrustworthy... for me to feel that it's never safe just to share my life, or my heart? Why would she continually "judge by proxy", and by default, cause her relationship with me to drift so far away.

There's so much academic drama that surrounds where I teach. The place where I've always loved to teach has been infiltrated by dangerous toxins... a handful of poisonous, manipulative people who pollute the atmosphere, making it hard to breathe some days. One, two, three, four, five, six... one-by-one their poison darts continue to capture & take captive the once-positive people who made our building great. It's unfortunate, that a handful of them were this way from the get-go. On the flip-side, I am steadfastly

committed to be one who holds firm to this quote, by Margaret Mead: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

I'd much rather stand firmly to my commitment to be a part of solution, rather than be part of the problem.

I just read a great article on the Mindful Teacher's blog, called "Realistic Self Care: What's Draining your Battery?"


When we feel overwhelmed, it can be useful to ask ourselves: 

"Could there be a simpler way? A better way? A kinder and gentler way? A more efficient way? There probably is. Maybe you’ve just been too hustle-bustle-crazy-busy-frenzied to see it clearly."  AlexandraFranzen.com

The article ends with a profound statement:

"To put this as simply as possible:

Thoughtful and committed citizens, take a nap! 

Then, as soon as you feel refreshed, get back out there and keep on changing the world."

That's it! The solution to all of the above... 
I'm off to take a Nap!!
@