Restarting Now...

It's a summer unlike any I've ever experienced before. 
Quiet.
Solitude-ish.
and Napful!

Yet not detectable by any outsiders, there's this place inside of me that feels like I'm on a deserted island... and I like it here.

I had a long anticipated major life-changing surgery one month ago, and my body has taken its sweet time meandering through the healing process... 
One day I feel great, and then the next I'm so uncomfortable I could cry. 
"Give it time," the doctor reassures me. "This is all normal... it just takes time," she says.

And time is one thing that I have lots of, for the next month at least.

I have had more than my fair share of time to think... and Nap! :)
I've had so many thoughts swirling through my head and no one to tell them to. Considering the handful of friends that I shared with, about my surgery this summer, not one of them cared enough to check and see how things went. An occasional mention of it in a text, but nobody knows just how hard this has been.

As for me, I now realize that i underestimated how difficult the recovery & healing process would be. Nevertheless... she persisted. So many days of feeling not-like doing anything... and so I didn't. 

So many times that I've wished somebody would call and check on me... but they didn't. 

So many eager moments when I happen upon someone I know, hopeful that she might notice even the slightest change in me... but she hasn't. 

So many painful moments when i've had unexpected emotions come flooding over my heart and I felt like crying... but I couldn't. Reaching out has become something that I'm not very good at. Feeling like more of an introvert than an extrovert has seemingly become my place of solitude. And I like it here!


It's been an emotional summer for me in other ways...
I've come to realize that my relationship with my mother is broken. This vessel of relationship that once held us close has become cracked in so many places that it no longer serves its purpose for what any child needs in a mother. Nurturing... compassion... gentleness... trust. All cracked beyond repair. 

This surgery is the most personal life step that I've every been brave enough to take. Getting my first 2-tattoos on a whim (in one day!) last summer was a really big deal. I remember sitting there in disbelief as the tattoo artist etched black lines of a single dandelion seed onto the inside of my wrist, thinking.... "This. is HARD!" And then to think that I left there that day with, not one, but TWO tattoos of my favorite flower permanently etched in ink on my pale 52-year old mama skin... i realized then and there that my mantra for the upcoming year was destined to be; *i can do hard things*

This school year was hard. Teaching a new grade level, with a wonderful team of co-teachers who didn't offer much help, except when I asked, which I did! a lot... 

It was extremely hard to take daily steps of faith and walk with sheer dependence on God, for the strength to endure curriculum uncertainties that lay underfoot with each trusting step. 

And I prayed... a LOT!! And strangely enough, my anxiety wasn't as all over the place as I anticipated it might be, given the fact that I had no idea what I was doing. And all along the way, I witnessed the truth that was not I, but Christ in me that sustained me through a big year of personal & professional growth. 

Another big step that we took as a couple, is we settled in to a new church. Growing in faith and walking in obedience to God's direction in our lives has brought a new sense of peace. And along with those blessings came an unexpected one... our son & future daughter-in-law have been coming to church as well! It's been such a joy to watch the Holy Spirit weave the love of Christ in and through my son's heart. It's always been there... but he's taken some off-the-beaten-path jaunts on his own, without yielding to God's still small voice. But then again... he's also been obedient to that same still small voice, and God is richly blessing their obedience to His will for their upcoming life together. 

Nevertheless she persisted... but God. 

...though my own mother lied and hurt me deeply ~ God comforts the brokenhearted.

... though my physical body has undergone a tremendous transformation and the healing process has been much more difficult than I'd ever imagined ~ God is a God of restoration and he binds up our wounds. 

Greater is He that is in me than he that is in the world. 

Though I am battle-weary and my spirit is soggy, today I claim the promise of Isaiah 41:10
New International Version (NIV)

10 So do not fear, for I am with you;
    do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

*Faith over fear*

That's the word for today!